Crap. I'm emotional. I'm like...a girl. Of course, I'm a girl. I love being a girl, but I've always prided myself on being a "cool" girl. Cool like, I like sports, big televisions, gadgets, surround sound and tools. ARHHHH. ARHHHHH. ARHHHHHHHH (The Tim the Tool Man Taylor Man Call). Don't get me wrong, while I love all these things, I love being girly too. I like dressing up looking cute, decorating, oh and going to the salon to get pedicures every one and a half weeks. True all these things are very stereotypical gender assignments, but bear with me.
Not only am I supposed to be the "cool" girl, I'm supposed to be a physicist. I'm supposed to be logical, but I'm not. It's all very counter intuitive. Physics is the most fundamental science: a subject that so beautifully displays the power of logic and order that no one can convince me that there was not a divine creation. Despite these things, I find logic alluding me, and I'm left with only emotions and feelings. How does that make me feel? Does that feel right? That hurt my feelings. On the other hand, logic would use Socratic syllogisms. What is the major premise? What is the minor premise? And finally what can you conclude from these? But do I use this method? No.
So if that's not bad enough, I've become a crier. ARGH!!!!!! But it does seem like I've been more teary eyed than usual. It has been a rough semester, but do I have to be a crier? And it's weird because most of my crying hasn't been like boo hoo woe is me. It's just emotions. So much has taken place in a such a short period of time, but everything has worked out. I'm more than grateful that every situation has turned out all right and I have been shown favor in a number of situations. God has really shown himself to me this semester. But man it has been a lot of stuff, and I cry. Sometimes out of joy and sometimes in prayer. Sometimes just because.
Then there are the other times when I get too into myself and I cry too (the boo hoo woe is me crying). Men often complain that women are too emotional. I can see it now, at least in myself. There is some truth in every stereotype. I present now, a hypothetical situation I've created to explore my point.
Me: (sobbing) It's so difficult.
Man: Well, why don't you try this?
Me: (sobbing) Sniff. Sniff. I can't do that.
Man: But it's not that hard. You did y, x, z yesterday.
Me: Didn't you listen to anything I have to say? Ugghhh...sniffle sniffle.
That's tough. What is a man to do, or in some cases what are friends or parents to do? I feel for my parentals. There's no winning. There is really not much one can do to console a person in this state. As I read over this, it seems utterly ridiculous. I've really got to get it together because there is absolutely no cause behave in such a manner. I'm embarrassed. But when I focus on my abilities, it becomes overwhelming and I can quickly fall into self pitying mood. Which sucks because self pity is unfortunately woefully unproductive and a complete waste of time.
So sometimes I cry just to cry and sometimes I cry out of self pity. I'm working on the pity issue. I continue to pray that I will not fall into these self induced funks. God is showing me that I don't need to worry and in fact His burden is truly light. I'm manning up. I'm taking on each day as the sun rises, and I'm grateful that through every tear God is there.
