A Purpose Driven Life

Recently I had a conversation with my former room mate from college/sister and I told her I was thinking about buying a book Pathway to Purpose for Women. She told me to be careful and make sure that it's not just a psychology book with scriptures laid on top. She went on to say that in her opinion trying to define one's purpose is very much about self because it's wanting the knowledge of what's to come.

I believe she was right. Discovering/Defining my purpose is something "I" want. I want to know my purpose, just like Adam and Eve wanted the knowledge of life. And that is a very selfish thing. God never said he would reveal the path to us or give us knowledge of whats to come; it's called faith. The truth is, I already know my purpose. My purpose is to please God. My purpose is to glorify God and spread the Good News of Jesus. If I am doing that, then why do I need to know what's to come, my career path or how God will use me? Everyday I must continually try to please God. Everyday I must continually pray that He will order my steps, and that I will be obedient to His will. Doing this will help ensure that He knows how grateful I am for His gift, Jesus, because it is not our purpose that pleases God, but it is the surrendering that must take place in order to fulfill that purpose that pleases Him.

Crap. I'm emotional. I'm like...a girl. Of course, I'm a girl. I love being a girl, but I've always prided myself on being a "cool" girl. Cool like, I like sports, big televisions, gadgets, surround sound and tools. ARHHHH. ARHHHHH. ARHHHHHHHH (The Tim the Tool Man Taylor Man Call). Don't get me wrong, while I love all these things, I love being girly too. I like dressing up looking cute, decorating, oh and going to the salon to get pedicures every one and a half weeks. True all these things are very stereotypical gender assignments, but bear with me.

Not only am I supposed to be the "cool" girl, I'm supposed to be a physicist. I'm supposed to be logical, but I'm not. It's all very counter intuitive. Physics is the most fundamental science: a subject that so beautifully displays the power of logic and order that no one can convince me that there was not a divine creation. Despite these things, I find logic alluding me, and I'm left with only emotions and feelings. How does that make me feel? Does that feel right? That hurt my feelings. On the other hand, logic would use Socratic syllogisms. What is the major premise? What is the minor premise? And finally what can you conclude from these? But do I use this method? No.

So if that's not bad enough, I've become a crier. ARGH!!!!!! But it does seem like I've been more teary eyed than usual. It has been a rough semester, but do I have to be a crier? And it's weird because most of my crying hasn't been like boo hoo woe is me. It's just emotions. So much has taken place in a such a short period of time, but everything has worked out. I'm more than grateful that every situation has turned out all right and I have been shown favor in a number of situations. God has really shown himself to me this semester. But man it has been a lot of stuff, and I cry. Sometimes out of joy and sometimes in prayer. Sometimes just because.

Then there are the other times when I get too into myself and I cry too (the boo hoo woe is me crying). Men often complain that women are too emotional. I can see it now, at least in myself. There is some truth in every stereotype. I present now, a hypothetical situation I've created to explore my point.

Me: (sobbing) It's so difficult.
Man: Well, why don't you try this?
Me: (sobbing) Sniff. Sniff. I can't do that.
Man: But it's not that hard. You did y, x, z yesterday.
Me: Didn't you listen to anything I have to say? Ugghhh...sniffle sniffle.

That's tough. What is a man to do, or in some cases what are friends or parents to do? I feel for my parentals. There's no winning. There is really not much one can do to console a person in this state. As I read over this, it seems utterly ridiculous. I've really got to get it together because there is absolutely no cause behave in such a manner. I'm embarrassed. But when I focus on my abilities, it becomes overwhelming and I can quickly fall into self pitying mood. Which sucks because self pity is unfortunately woefully unproductive and a complete waste of time.

So sometimes I cry just to cry and sometimes I cry out of self pity. I'm working on the pity issue. I continue to pray that I will not fall into these self induced funks. God is showing me that I don't need to worry and in fact His burden is truly light. I'm manning up. I'm taking on each day as the sun rises, and I'm grateful that through every tear God is there.

Reflections of an Almost 25 Year Old

Random things I've been thinking about as my birthday nears...

I didn't find myself in college; I just became comfortable being me.
I'm cool with the fact that I am a nerd. I like watching documentaries and obscure foreign films. I have a thing for HGTV and AT tickles my fancy. I often prefer sneakers and flats to high heels. But if the mood strikes me I will bust out my 4" inch heels. I'm silly, and if something is particularly funny it may send me to the floor. My knees just can't support me when I laugh. And lastly, I like to make up words. My contribution to 2009/2010 was "Omazing" created after Obama's inauguration.

Technology is kind of cool...sort of...sometimes. I love my click click and boop boop, but touch screen phones...I pass. I want my punch punch.
click·click /clīckˈclick/
Noun: The buttons located on a car's steering wheel, used to control the car's audio.
boop·boop /boopˈboop/
Noun: Keyless entry.
punch·punch /punchˈpunch/
Noun: A phone with buttons.

Growing Up a Daddy's Girl
I love my Daddy. I grew up thinking that my father was a former member of the Black Panther Party and a singer in the R&B group the High Tops. I wanted to be a musically inclined revolutionary just like him. To groom his future music-loving revolutionary, he would read to me stories from Langston Hughes' The Best of Simple and make sure I knew all the words to War's Get Down. I didn't realize until I was older that reading the works of Frantz Fanon, Marx and Malcolm X, wearing a fro, riding a motorcycle and politicking didn't necessarily make you an official member of the Black Panther Party, nor did living in Grand Rapids and singing along to Motown hits make you a member of the fictional group the High Tops. It didn't matter that these things weren't "necessarily" true because in my eyes he is still the coolest, smartest, baddest mofo low down around town. Yes, I'm a daddy's girl.

BLACK RAGE!!!
Every now and then a little BLACK RAGE!!! is necessary. BLACK RAGE!!! is a revolutionary movement that consists of brothers and sisters across the globe banding together and causing civil unrest with their random acts of BLACK RAGE!!! Kicking over shovels, safety cones and chairs are all acceptable acts of BLACK RAGE!!! The revolution will not be tweeted!!!


On Contradictions
I'm glad I'm growing up, but the responsibility that comes with it can be a headache. Sometimes I wish I was young again (tag, kickball and playgrounds), but there was also timeout and nap time. I wish I had nap time now...sigh. I love to write, but I love physics. Maybe my brain is double sided. I like having a car, but I don't like driving. I love acquiring vast amounts of knowledge, but then again ignorance is bliss.

Marimekko Fabric

Madison Wisconsin Collection

I fell in love with the display fabric at Crate and Barrel. It was beautiful. It was stunning.

I am becoming a firm believer in only surrounding myself with things I absolutely adore, and I would like my new digs to reflect this design mantra. I adore the fabric and the vibrant hues are absolutely me.

I immediately asked the sales associate the origins of the fabric and whether I could purchase it. I was informed that the fabric was by Marimekko, a Finnish design company and that the particular print I was interested in was not sold in Crate and Barrel stores. I was given the number for the Marimekko store in NYC and the website. I've called the store and requested that let me know when the fabric becomes available. I would love to use this fabric to create a large canvas centerpiece for my living room. It fits in perfectly with my design scheme "Fun, Funky, Functional with a hint of Scandinavian Modern"

Here are some other Marimekko's fabrics:

Sirkku 101 Blue

Melooni Collection

Siirtolapuutarha (Sold at Ikea)

On Being a Professor

This is what you normally think of when you think of a physics professor...


Not this..

(Not me...just a cool frohawk)

If you know me then perhaps you know that physics and I have a very interesting relationship. It’s a relationship that’s more hate than love at times and a relationship that has shown me the limit of my own efforts and revealed the magnitude of God’s faithfulness. I love physics, but I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my physics degree. While I know without a doubt this is what I’m supposed to do, God has yet to reveal to me what lies ahead at the end of my yellow brick road.

I entered the applied physics program with every intention to finish quickly, get out and make money. I mean, what’s the point of doing all this if you can’t make money, right? I didn’t want to be a professor, too much work and not enough money. As a grad student, you see a lot (tenure track professors sleeping on couches in their offices and pushing their grad students beyond human limits). Nope, that wasn’t for me. I told myself I’d make money, then I’d come back to the academy, then I’d become a champion for other underrepresented physicists.

However, now I just don’t think it will work out that way. You see, God tends to speak to me in subtle hints. First, my college room mate of four years, who is now a grad student in higher education, asked me the rhetorical question, “Don’t you know what an impact you’d make as a young, fly sister doing physics in the academy?” Then at an event I attended, the keynote speaker said, “ Being yourself is a great testimony.” And she showed a picture of an amazingly beautiful doctor rocking a fro and ethnic gold jewelry. But the COOLEST thing for me was seeing a young assistant professor give a physics seminar in chucks and a cardigan. That was like the coolest thing EVER in life (added significance). At that moment I could see myself as a professor. I could imagine myself in my chucks teaching physics and working in the lab. (It's a dream of mine to become a rock star physicist...putting the cool back in physics one equation at a time.)

And now, I find myself at this conference the 17th Annual Institute on Teaching and Mentoring. Truth be told, I signed up because I was encouraged to attend, and I wanted to take advantage of a free trip to Tampa in October to escape the Michigan cold and to enjoy the Tampa warmth. And come to find out, the goal of the conference is to prepare underrepresented scholars for life in the academy. During this conference I’ve seen several women who’ve managed to balance excellence in research while maintaining a fulfilling lives outside the lab. It’s kind of cool hearing a female professor testifying to 33 years of marriage, being the director of an advancement program and being a great researcher. So perhaps it is possible. Perhaps I can avoid stuffing an Ikea couch in my office. And maybe...just maybe I can become a rock star physicist while maintaining a very down to earth and content life and manage to get a little bit of money too. (Gotta be able to afford box seats one day.)

Random Throwbacks

I found this snippet of a story I began writing but never finished.

"She kept the merciless demons of her past at bay with spirits from the package store. Without them life was too hard to face for the shy and insecure girl. Each bottle helped her to feign emotions she could not willingly express. Wine made her bubbly. Vodka made her boisterous. Whiskey tended to mellow her out, while rum made her fiery. For her, it was much easier to deal with the conjured spirits in the bottle, than conquer the demons that awaited her once the spirit’s possession wore off. She was seldom sober. It was too painful."

This was from an opinion's piece I wrote for the Valentine's Day issue of the Script in 2007.

"If men are dogs, women are dog trainers.

True, there are some guys you could describe as doggish. Yet, as a woman I feel we are too quick to label men dogs and too one-sided in our judgments of men. We call men dogs, curse them out and declare that there are no good men left, but are they really the only ones to blame?"

I think the "If men are dogs, women are dog trainers" piece is still relevant, especially with the recent bombardment of these text-to-movie youtube videos. One of the first being Black Marriage Negotiations (Woman's Perspective)


More on this topic later...plus I want to talk about submission. One of the funniest parts to me was when he brought up submission she said, "I believe everything in the Bible except that part."

Holding Fast to Dreams...

So a month or so ago Pastor Freddie Haynes came to preach for a college night revival. I was at a particularly low point in my physics journey. In general studying physics has been quite the roller coaster ride for me with many downs and ups and under-side twirls. Although I had homework and could have been studying, I went to hear Pastor Haynes, praying that God would use him to provide me with words of inspiration.

Before the service I wrote in my notebook these words describing how I felt:
*Tired
*Ready to quit
*Something I'm not good at
*When will I get good
*Wondering if physics was indeed my purpose
*Set-back after set-back
*Fraud
*When will I see change

Now the title of Pastor Haynes' sermon: "Lessons Learned from Shattered Dreams"
Phillipians 4:10-20

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.
~Langston Hughes

Pastor Haynes said that we must hold on to our dreams, even though we're broken, crushed, and shattered. Because we serve a God that turns disappointment into divine appointment. It is only at the end of our rope that we find God. Building on the the fact that the revival was for college students, he made three main points.

Psychology 101-God doesn't have to take you out of what you're in, He'll get in it with you. It's not what's happening to you it's what's happening in you. We must learn to be content. To be content means to be independent of circumstances.

Economics 1302-Just when you're about to give up, God will give you unexpected blessings from unexpected sources.

Theology 510-When your dreams are shattered and just when you're about to give up God will give you everything you need. For all of life's demands, you'll have sufficient supply. God will supply ALL your needs.

It's amazing. I felt that God was speaking directly to me. It again confirmed that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, physics. And while I don't where physics will lead me, I'm content to be in God's will.

The Importance of Being Patient

"I've now realized for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Patient."

Ahh...patience. I long ago realized that I was not the most patient person in the world. It's a fact my mother noticed too, and according to her it's something she constantly prayed about on my behalf. I think God is answering her prayers because I've noticed over the course of the year several situations that have forced me to be patient or have cost me when I wasn't patient: dealing with my wonderful but not cognizant of time Realtor, getting my condo, rush delivering a cardigan that was too big for me and rush delivering shoes that were to big. Better, I suppose to learn it now rather than later when I don't have the time or money. I must say becoming patient has been difficult.

What can I say I'm a victim. I'm a product of my environment. Even my conditioning has been conditioned. I'm an internet baby. I grew up with computers. With Mavis Beacon and Oregon Trail, I was bound to be hooked. I've become accustomed to high speed internet, Amazon Prime with its Two-Day free shipping, instant messager, skype, emails, cell phones, instant grits and instant hot cocoa. With all these instants, why would anyone choose to wait?

While the tangible benefits of waiting aren't always apparent right away, patience always seems to present the best option. I am only now beginning to see what a wonderful gift God has blessed me with because of my patience. I wrote down a list of everything I wanted in a place and I got it all and plus some. Although I did wait my house out, being patient is still a struggle for me.

Just last week I ordered a set of stupid knives off of gilt.com thinking I'd stumbled on an amazing deal that was irresistible and that the knives would sell out quickly. Unfortunately, the knives are the same price on Amazon.com and are still on sell. Don't get me wrong it's an amazing set of knives, but could I have waited? Yes, and I should have. I could've used that money for something else. Now instead of pretty accessories for my place, I'll just have my set of knives sitting on the counter.

Hopefully, incidents such as this will become less frequent because now I am finally beginning to realize the importance of being patient.

60s Inspired Bathroom

I got random inspiration today for my downstairs half bath at TJMAXX. Searching through their books, I found The 60s, A Photo Journey Through the Swinging Sixties. I have been searching for calendars and large coffee table books to find pictures to serve as artwork for my new place. The 60s has amazing pictures documenting many notable events of the decade. I immediately bought it because I love the decade: the Civil Rights Movement, Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, the Black Panthers, the Temptations, Motown and men's skinny leg pants and cardigans. I've gone through the book and selected the black and white pictures I'll use for the bathroom. I'm excited. I'll have a sixties inspired bathroom. Below is the type of picture arrangement I'm going for and a few pictures similar to the pictures I'll use.


Photo Credit

I lost my voice yesterday and I’m proud of it. I consider that condition a badge of honor. I know I did my best to ensure a Michigan victory. And while we didn’t win, I had an AMAZING time. This was my first NCAA Division I football game. I went to a few UT games as a child, but in my opinion those don’t count. We had great seats behind the band.





I learned the Fight Song:
Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan
The leaders and best!
Hail! to the victors valiant
Hail! to the conqu'ring heroes
Hail! Hail! to Michigan,
The champions of the West!

I had so much fun!!! Today only confirmed that I know I like football, and I like being in a sports atmosphere. And when I get big I’d like to attend lots of sporting events. I like yelling, and I like the idea of becoming a diehard fan. I love Michigan, and I’ll be here for a while so I’m embracing Michigan sports teams. Next up: Detroit Lions vs. Patriots on my birthday…Ford Field here I come! GO BLUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riding Blues

It was truly a sad day; I realized that listening to loud rap music kinda made my head hurt. I had long before (a few months ago) decided that I no longer wished to drive around blasting offensive rap music or listen to it. Part of the allure of such a thing was seeing the shock on the faces of middle-aged progressive white people. Imagine...January 2009...a 23-year old black female, who looks 16 driving through downtown Amherst, MA with its two stop lights and streets lined with liberal white people who probably voted for Obama, but still clutched their wallets and purses in the presence of a black male. I found that an appropriate song for such an occasion was "My President is Black" by Young Jeezy. The irony, right?



Downtown Amherst, MA


But on this particular day, I chose a less offensive and more lyricallly enlightened album, OutKast's Aquemini. Growing up this was my favorite album of all-time...EVER IN LIFE (added significance). And as a former marching band head I always found the horns in Spottieottiedopaliscious to be extremely infectious. So I turned my BOSE speakers up, popped my sunroof, rolled down my windows, leaned my seat back and rode. Mind you, as I rolled through campus I felt a bit subconscious and I didn't get that feeling I normally get when I ride listening to my music. To add to that sinking feeling was the fact that as my journey progressed what began as a slight tingle in my head was becoming a numbing headache and my loud music was spurring my decline in condition. By the time I turned around to head back home, I'd turned off the entire system and rode the rest of the way home in silence.

Disheartened but not deterred and determined to enjoy my music the next sunny day I regrouped decided to try again. This time I chose more mellow and more acoustic John Mayer songs. Agian I turned my BOSE speakers up, popped my sunroof, rolled down my windows, leaned my seat back and rode. I rode, and I felt good. That is until I reached a stop sign, and suddenly remembered all of the drama surrounding John Mayer and his comments surrounding black women. I shrunk in my seat and I immediately turned down my music. What did it look like me as a black female blasting John Mayer??? When the incident occurred I personally wasn't offended my the comments. While I didn't agree with him, I applauded the fact that he gave such a candid (perhaps too candid interview) unlike many celebrities...Beyonce. I still listened to his music But blasting his music was different, right? I have yet to resolve this issue...more on this later. I hope there are more sunny days left.

Six Months...Under Construction

This is my attempt to recount the events that have taken and will take place during this journey. My goal is to write a daily log to record this amazing transformation within me.

About a month ago, I realized that despite what I thought, I’ve been trying to do this grad school thing on my own, and I’ve been miserable. I can truly say that the past two years have been hell. And sadly, life can be that harsh if God is not the focus. The worry, stress, failure, unhappiness and discontentment were all by products of my failure to trust God with every detail of my life. See God, has always been in the picture in my life. He has been my convenient God. I called on Him when it was convenient, thought about Him when my mind wasn’t too busy worrying about other things, prayed when I needed something or praised Him when things went well. I gave Him all the things that were easy for me to relinquish, but not everything. Part of my flesh believes that I can somehow do it on my own. Perhaps it’s my personality. I’m driven. I like to make things happen, and I’ve been blessed with intelligence. This combination proves harmful when God seeks to assume control of all the things I believe I can handle. All this time I’ve been trying to succeed through my own efforts. And only when my own efforts prove futile do I call on Him.

So, I’ve taken the oath, “I commit the next six months of my life for Your construction. I will surrender any area which is not controlled by You so that my life will bring You glory.” I’m excited about the prospect of growing my personal faith, trusting God with all my heart and making Him the center of my life. Let the journey begin!!!